On occasion, I write for (StupidAssQuestions.com) and this week celebrates my 5th time working with them. Enjoy my answers to these amazingly stupid ass questions!
• Friday September 20th 2013 : Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, I was reading outside the other day and the cops arrested me. I think we’ve become a police state and I wonder since when is it against the law to read outside? Do you think the fact that I was in the nude at the school playground had anything to do with it?
Thomas, Not at all freak. You could have been at a nudist playground. Don’t assume, that’s just wrong. Kids come out naked, so why can we all be naked around them? Oh that’s right, because explaining to their therapist why some random person had their junk doing the Swinging Karradine between their legs is probably the hardest thing to ever get out of a child’s mind. I guess there would be nothing hard about that if it were swinging. HEYOH, did you see what I did there? I did something inappropriate, you should start paying more attention to how that looks. Who am I to judge though, for all I know you were just Homeless camping.
• Thursday September 19th 2013 : Dear Stupid Ass Questions& Thomas, I want to be a movie star, and I know I would be an Oscar contender. I just need to know how to behave in public so that I get a lot of attention, extra gigs, stalking journalists, and bad publicity. I was thinking that I would do a nude spread in Big and Beautiful… but then I chickened out. Then I thought, maybe I should just get arrested for being drunk and racist, like Mel Gibson. Or maybe I should start a Cat ﬁghting ring (because Mike Vic wrote the book on dog ﬁghting)… Or maybe just masturbate in public with Pee Wee Herman and Fred Willard (it would be called a spank off). Or being drunk and high like most Lindsay something or other… actually every celebrity at some point has a careening off a cliff kind of moment. So I need to make a big splash…because it is the in thing to do, everyone that is anyone makes the news for some sort of bad behaviour. So what should I do???
Thomas: David Carradine, this is the person you should model your downfall rising. His last act upon this world was life-changing and finally got him noticed in a big way. His career was hanging on by a thread before he actually was hanging on by a thread before he became dead. But think of how famous you would be! Okay, don’t actually kill yourself, or do the Carradine. I am just saying there are better ways to become infamously famous, sleep with Kim Kardashian. Try not to scream the whole time either, she likes to be knocked up while being knocked up. In other words, if you did happen to do the Carradine, you could swing around the room hitting her while filming this and you’ll be forever known as the Swinging Karradine.
• Wednesday September 18th 2013 : Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, The weather man says we can expect a warm winter this year. I rely on money from plowing to pay my bills. Should I rent a snow machine and use it on my client’s homes at night while they are sleeping?
Thomas: Yes, and film this. Film this all night long. Please, for the love of God, film this. This is very important for our world to see genius in action. When you are finished filming upload it to YOUTUBE so we can all watch in awe of this amazing stupid human trick. If I were you, I would place your full legal name, phone number and address on there. You know, so you can get more business. Then have a message of you speaking before the footage starts stating “Yes, my name is (add name here) and I am the one person in this video doing it.” I think you will help your business grow, and our hearts grow fonder. At least when you go to jail for fraud you won’t have to worry about your weight or being a homeless camper. Jail, the world of free rent and board!
• Tuesday September 17th 2013 : Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, I’m eating a salad for lunch each day to lose weight but it’s becoming boring. Would putting mashed potatoes and gravy on it be ok?
Thomas: It would be okay. You could also skip the salad because clearly you are missing the point of losing weight. However, honestly, if you decided to think a little, which I understand might be hard at this point, it is not what you eat, but how you eat. Please, let me explain, I don’t want to get a call and have someone tell me you hurt yourself because you were eating upside down on a swing “Oh Thomas J. Bellezza told me it was how I eat that helps lose weight.” I don’t need that at all. How you eat is based on your portions of food. Besides needing to go to a nutritional specialist to figure out what your body type needs and doesn’t need, it is all about eating correctly. When you eat, what amount you are eating and so on. If it were up to me I’d eat pizza all day. It isn’t smart, but, mmmmmm pizza. How heavy are you anyway? Are you big enough to hurt a horse, or small enough to be a horse? You could always try homeless camping. After a few months you will lose so much weight you’ll be happy to anything even if it is unhealthy.
• Monday September 16th 2013 : Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, Are those who are homeless basically people who enjoy camping?
Thomas: Funny you should ask this question. Let me clarify a few things up. A homeless person is normally a wealthy person who didn’t want to deal with life’s insanity anymore. I am not saying this happens all the time, just a small portion of the time. The rest of them are trying to follow in suit to become wealthy people. It makes sense if you think about it. In fact, you should try an experiment; since these homeless people are trying to take the 1% of our nations wealth, you should give them your home and trade with them to see if you could earn wealth on the street like these thieves do. If it makes you feel better, on those super hot nights, or cold evenings with no blanket, you can remember two very important things. 1) you are sacrificing to earn wealth so one day you can be rich and then give back to your community of people who are ignoring you, think you smell (because you do) and get mad at you because you need a dollar to buy something stupid: like food. And 2) think of it as camping.
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• Make A Right Left Here TV (My web based TV show)
• Lord Telmorn Altayon (A character I write about, the first God)
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